Well I am back in town for the holidays, and it's bitter sweet. It's so nice seeing everyone and getting to have something to look forward to, but it's also a reminder that I am going to be spending the holidays without my husband and that he will be spending his in a chow hall somewhere or the gym. : ( Not really the best way to celebrate!
My family has been really supportive of us. Everytime I drive down the main street of our hometown I see the yellow ribbons that they have hanging out on the doorstep supporting him, again it's just another reminder. We have been busy getting care packages together so that he will have things to open around the holidays. We have been trying to stagger them out so that he won't get them all at once. My hope is that he gets a smile on his face, and knows that we are thinking about him.
My husband's family has never really known how to be suppportive of him during a deployment. They think that just because they talk about him or wear a necklace that they are supporting him. It starts to get really irritating when I find out that they have not called or emailed him, yet they want me to make sure they have all the information. What for? Just to give him false hope? It's moments like this that make me feel tired of trying.... why do we have to go and see them when we come into town? This is not a relationship it's an obligation. My hope is that during this deployment I can start to let it go, and not focus on the negative part. I don't want this to be the part that consumes me.
Honestly, I am a little bit scared for the next year. It hasn't even been a month yet and it feels like forever. My husband and I still have not gotten into a pattern yet. I feel like I am living with my cell phone. I have already missed a couple calls and the guilt is horrible. He is not giving me a guilt trip by any means it's just that I want to talk to him and then I miss the time he has a chance to call. He could call more but he doesn't like to call in front of other people so right now he is waiting until the other soldiers go home to call. Well, as you can imagine that doesn't really leave us much time to talk so we talk about every 4 days. I think that it is easier for him because his whole life has changed. It's like being on vacation, you don't think about home as much because you are learning your new surroundings, but for me, everything is still the same just a big void from where he was. I think that he is trying to give me a chance to see everyone and be everywhere. He doesn't realize that being in communication with him helps me have a better time because I don't have to worry about what he is doing, because I am already in the loop.
I guess overall, it will get easier. Hopefully, I will stop tearing up everytime I see or hear anything about deployments, soldiers, military, etc. Hopefully I will start sleeping better in our bed, and handling the stress of doing everything on my own.
Although it's been hard being home and being reminded that he is missing, the extra help from my Mom and sister have been wonderful! It's been nice to have someone else to count on instead of just adding to your own To Do List.
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